In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without form and void, without lights or sets, and lo, the actors came forth, and darkness was upon the face of them. And the TD saith: "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES labored forth with leko, fresnel, cable, and gel, and lo, and there were lights: key, fill, and back, according to the word handed down from the Flies to the tribe of McCandless, two by two, each cleaving to his area, his circuit, and his dimmer. And the TD further saith: "Let there be ellipsoidals on the FOH pipe, fresnels on the faces of the actors, and scoops behind all, giving all a great washing. And let not there be hot spots, fall-off, or shutters upon the faces of the actors, for thus saith McCandless and his ilk: "If you can't see 'em, you can't hear 'em." And the Techies heard the TD, and understood, and pondered these things in their hearts. And they labored, and brought forth a mighty hanging plot and patch chart, and focused according to the Word of the TD. And the TD saw the lights, and saw that the throw was not too great or too small, that the warm gel falleth upon the key and the cool gel falleth upon the fill, that the lights spilleth not upon the curtains, nor upon the audience, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And he saw that it was good--not great, but OK. And the Morning and the Evening were the First Day.

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a hard and barren stage, and had no place to Be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Scenery, that these actors might Know Where They Are!" And the TECHIES labored forth with mysterious tools and implements whose meaning was hidden from all but the Chosen, to wit: dry wall screws and other fasteners which tappeth themselves according to the Word of Archimedes; loose-pin hinges; saws of table, saws of circular, saws of hand, saws of jig, and saws of sabre; knives of mat; wood that bendeth from the far land of Luan, wood that falleth in sheets of ply, and wood that bendeth not, in fours and twos and in fours and ones. And to the Anointed was revealed the Mystery of the Casket Locks, at which many wondered. And lo, the Techies finished their mighty labors, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized according to the need. And after the Time of the Carpenters was the Time of the Painters, with hue and value, tint and shade, warm and cool, upon the surface of the Scenery. And the actors did walk upon the set, and within the set, and wondered at the Texturing--of Spatter, Scumble, and Sponge, all included--of the Painters, and they passed behind the set beyond the Sightlines, and did have a place to Be. And the TD saw the Scenery, that it Would Do, and the Morning and the Evening were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they walked with the Light and did have a place to Be, they did look meshuggeh for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and yet struck each other with nothing. And in his heart and mind, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!" And the TECHIES labored forth yet again and feverishly did they buy, build, borrow, and pull from stock, and there were Props. And the TD saw that they would not Break when Dropped, and that Consumables would not disappear from the Stage before the Run of the Play was Out, and that, yea, the liquor was not Liquor, but iced tea; the coffee was not Coffee but flat Pepsi, and that the ashtrays were all filled with wet sand according to the Word handed down from the Ancients from the time of Belasco, Daly, and Boucicault. And he saw that they Would Work, and the Morning and the Evening were the Third Day.

And the Director looked upon the actors and saw that they did go forth in ignorance of their nakedness. And the Director begat The Concept, and this (s)he bestowed upon the Costume Designer, and from the concept the Costume Designer begat the Costume Plates, and these she did bestow upon the Pattern Maker with many Words of Wisdom, chief among them was this: "The Costume Shall Be the Visual Identification of Character," and many other wise sayings. And the Cutters and Stitchers toiled and labored and sewed and stitched, with much pricking of thumbs and gnashing of teeth, but yet, they brought forth the Costumes, each sized to the Actor, according to the Play, and keeping in with the Role. And no more did the actors go forth in their nakedness, or, even worse, in Grunge, and the Costume Designer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the Director saw them upon the evening of the Dress rehearsal, and said that they were not devoid of charm, and the Morning and well into the Evening were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play and saw that the audience did wait upon the Beginning in Silence, and was moved to tears. And the TD said, "Let there be Pre-Show Music, and EFX, and Reinforcement at the proper level and equalization!" And the Sound Crew labored with cassette and CD, with mixing board, and the ancient Reel-To-Reel of their fathers' and their fathers' fathers' generation, with splicing tape and crash box and effects generator, both of the newsest and oldest Technology, and the TD saw that the Cues were in their proper quality and all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, and knew that the Audience would not wait in Silence, and the the sounding brass and tinkling telephone would come all in their proper Time, and that they were Good, and the Morning and the Evening were the Fifth Day.

And lo, upon the Sixth Day, the Show Opened, and there was much rejoicing. And thus it was revealed to all of that place that all these works were compleated in but five days, proving beyond proof that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

PROVERBS

Behold, my son: here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy rehearsing, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

I. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and sets in the West, (s)he will lose or break them.

II. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the mind of the director change. Do likewise unto the cues for sound and the cues for light.

III. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

IV. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are unenlightened and will not preceive thy meaning.

V. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with all thy might and with all thy soul, pivoting upon the angle of thy elbow, not thy wrist.

VI. Join not the head of the drywall screw and the #2 Phillips bit of the power screwdriver at an angle, for surely thou shalt strip the head of the screw and screw up the bit.

VII. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If it seemeth that he is, then wait patiently upon the getting of wisdom: you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

VIII. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to sojourn in the land of the dressing rooms and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and there shall be much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments: yours, by the stage manager.

IX. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they are fascinated by anything they do not understand and will stand and watch and be crushed as the petunias underfoot in spring.

X. Beware of actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

XI. Take not thy cues before nor after their time, but at the proper moment, each in its own time, like unto the musician at his instrument. And cover thy screw-ups with style and grace.

XII. Take pity of the actors, for in their roles they are as children and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor always to speak softly and not in anger, even when they be schmucks.

XIII. Pay careful heed to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done--then do it the way that works. In the nights and days of thy labor, he will see thy wisdom and to himself give credit and rejoice.

XIV. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be like unto an airport or carnival fun-house.

XV. Remember the first performance and keep it holy, for only afterwards shall you party.

XVI. Remember the Strike after the last performance and keep it holy also, for only afterwards so too shall you party.

WORD TO THE TECHIES

Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch and to make the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that they would show.

Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.

My friends, be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES. Remember always the signs by with thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE: they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they are silent backstage, ever watchful, ever vigilant; they can speak with secret knowledge of Tools; they respect another's craft and aid where they can. They do not just stand and watch but wait to serve.

Go Thous and Do Likewise.

Amen.